Chapter
1
My favorite season has always been
summer, or it was until I found out hers is winter. So I guess my favorite
season is winter now, and I’ll learn to love it. But right now, it’s
one-hundred-degrees outside, and I love it. I love that it’s hot, I love all my
free time, and I love that Mason is spending most of his time at football camp
instead of in my face. As much as I love my twin, I need space because I’ve
lost my mind to Erika. There is no space left for me because there is Mason and
there is Erika and I’ve gone missing in the mix.
I
really think I'm getting fat. When I
turned twelve my breasts grew overnight and so did the rest of my body,
horizontally. Suddenly everything fit too tightly and I became increasingly
aware of the space I took up and of the male gaze. I suppose it’s the curse of
being a girl; Mason got tall and muscular at an early age, and I stayed short
and changed shape. I wasn't ready to look like more than a little girl. I
needed to blend in and I always did, other than for the fact I was a twin made
me an anomaly. Otherwise, I was unnoticed but liked and then suddenly I was
changing. Maybe it’s not as bad as being
one of those fat girls at school, bottom of the barrel, who have to squeeze
into their hand-me-down clothes and can’t afford to get their hair done. Speaking
of which, I’m due to get mine re-done. The reddish roots are showing and it’s
throwing off my whole look. Mason thinks I’m crazy, losing weight and darkening
my hair and trying to fade my tan out to porcelain. He often claims I’m
obsessed with Erika. I am, but I’ll never truly be her. It's out of reach, just
as she's out of reach. I will never be that poised, that intense, that intelligent,
perfect”
“She’s such a snake,” Mason told me
when I was told him she was spending the night. “I don’t know why you want her
here all the time lately. And if you aren’t with her you text her even if she
doesn’t respond for hours.”
“She’s not a snake, she’s perfect.
She's kind of handling a lot.”
“She looks like she’s never been in
the sun! Miriam, you are perfect,” he
said, putting his hand on my shoulder. “You could have been a cheerleader or on
dance squad. You could have stayed popular. You could be just like me, but you
spend too much time obsessing with that weird girl.”
He looked at my cleavage and I
folded my arms across my chest.
“Weird is better than boring,” I
defended. “And you know it's true that my old friends are boring. Your friends
are too.” I turned away. The new cuts on
my thighs sting under my pants.
“Whatever. Well, you two have fun.
I’ve got some friends coming over too and we’re watching plays from last season
on the big screen so keep her out of here.”
“Fine.” I always have to obey
Mason. It’s such a drag. He has something against Erika because he doesn’t want
me spending time with anyone other than him and Erika is the first person to
really threaten his time. Mason and I were always close. He has friends,
though. Why can’t I?
Erika finally arrives at five, one hour
after two of Mason’s obnoxious friends did. They look her over as she walks
with me to my room and the silence itself feels audible.
She stares right back. Please, no one say anything.
“I think your sister is a lesbo,” I
hear after shutting my door. Erika jerks her head upward, staring at the door
with patience that cannot afford to burn any thinner. Her eyes are piercing
green, bright, I try not to get caught looking into them for too long.
“I will slit his throat,” she says
calmly. “Are they assuming you’re a lesbian because they're assuming I am a
lesbian, or are you a lesbian?” she
asks.
I am shaken by the sudden arsenal
of personal questions.
“They’re idiots, I mean, they are
Mason’s friends. I have a boyfriend, you know,” I tell her. She sits on the
edge of my bed. I just had my room painted purple and replaced my orange
decorations with purple and black ones. These are Erika’s favorite colors, I
assume, because of how often she wears them. Something about lavender makes her
look very appealing.
“Not surprised. Who is it?” she
asks. She's studying my room. I watch her face for a sign of approval and, as
usual, see nothing.
“I can’t tell you,” I say, sitting
beside her on my queen-sized bed. I really *can’t* tell her.
"And why not?"
"It's still a secret. I
promised."
Erika rolled her eyes but respected
my boundary. Promises mean everything to Erika and even though she doesn’t seem
to have much of a conscience, she abhors the breaking of a promise.
“Well, then, what is he like? Do I
know him?”
“You may know him,” I tell her,
lying back. I stare at the ceiling. She lays back with me. “He’s cool. He’s
strong and cute and funny. I think we may get married.”
“You are sixteen.”
“So? I won’t be forever. Do you have a boyfriend?”
She had never mentioned one, but I
felt it necessary to check. Other than me, her friends were male and she spent
time with them although I never saw her act romantic towards anyone. Many times
I had been surprised to learn of a new interest or hobby of Erika's. More than
that, though, I wanted to pry and take attention off my own relationship.
“No, I do not,” she replied quietly,
each word spoken in their own time like a sad script. Well, she definitely has someone in mind.
I decide to press the issue a
little further; maybe she’ll tell me who it is.
“Who do you like?”
“No one. I hate everyone, even people
I like. You know this.”
She pushes her black hair back over
the top of her head, revealing her widows peak. She rarely does this and it's
rare to really see her face. It’s
obvious she’s hiding the fact that she likes someone, that there really is someone
who pops up in the maze of her brain every time love is mentioned. I roll over
on my stomach and look at her.
“Well, if you could, maybe, have
sex with anyone in the world, who would it be?” I ask. She looks at me,
confused.
“Why are you trifling?”
“Just talking! I told you I have a
boyfriend, you have to tell me something. Just give me a hint,” I pry. She
rolls her eyes. I wonder if Mason’s rumor was true and Erika liked a girl.
“Someone you know.” I think. Who is someone I know that she also
knows? It's such a small town that it could be anyone so I can assume she means
that I know them well. She’s friends with Robin; he goes to the same church as
me; we talk sometime on Instant Message.
“Robin Cross?”
“No way,” she said quickly. "I
like him platonically."
“How well do I know him? I know
tons of people,” I say. "Be a little more specific."
“You see him frequently. You had a
class with him last year.”
I think further and my stomach
drops.
“Mason?” I ask and my voice
catches. I see him every day and we had a class together last year! Lord, I
hope she’s not after my twin…That would be beyond a tangled fucking mess.
“Hell no! I do not want to do it
with your brother. Try harder.”
I stare at my new purple pillow for
a moment. Who does Erika hang out with? Who does she talk to? She talks to a
few people – again, all guys except for me. What would Erika want in a guy? She
turns her head to me and stares, as if the answer were obvious.
Her best friend in the world.
“Oh, Lewis!” I said. “Am I right?”
She doesn’t say anything, and turns
back to the ceiling. I begin giggling uncontrollably. Lewis Ellington. A pain rose from my stomach and wormed into
my heart. I don't feel fondly towards Lewis. She’s always with him at school,
sometimes on the way home from school, on weekends. He calls her all the time.
Why didn’t I suspect anything?
“If you tell anyone,” she says
slowly, “I will kill you.” She means it.
“I won’t tell anyone, but why don’t
you tell him?” I figured Lewis would jump on the opportunity to date Erika
because then he could justify how protective he was of her.
“Why would I? So I can lose him
altogether? He has no reason to like me."
I wanted to smack myself for not
seeing the signs. Lewis never dated, not that many people ever showed interest.
The few that had, Erika scared them all away. I thought she was doing him a
favor.
“Why do you think he doesn’t like
you?”
“He doesn't. Only as a friend and
barely that some days. Now you have to tell me about your boyfriend.”
“I did. He’s strong and amazing. I
sleep with him all the time,” I said in boredom.
“Dude, gross,” Erika said.
“What, like you’ve never done it?”
I asked.
Erika stayed silent for a moment. Oh, shit… I forget that not everyone starts
so young. But my honest impression was that Erika was promiscuous.
“No. I haven’t ever done it. I have done nothing resembling it.”
“Well, it’s not that great,” I say.
It is pretty over-rated but then again, I’ve never been with someone who knew
what they were doing.”
This is my attempt to have a normal-girl
conversation with Erika but I can tell it’s making her uncomfortable. When I
used to have friends, this is what we talked about; girls we hated, like Erika,
and sex. Guys who think they're the more sex-obsessed gender are wrong.
Sometimes we would talk about celebrities or clothes we wanted, too. I was part
of the group that hated Erika; they talked about her constantly throughout the
school year and sometimes in the summer they watched her social media. They
were obsessed, and when I started having issues with Mason, I began to think
being like Erika wasn’t such a bad thing. So really, I had been obsessed with
her all along; my attitude just changed. Cold, distant, peculiar,
unpredictable, and even hostile became positive words. When my attitude switched, I started having
less of a desire to hang out with anyone other than Erika or Mason. I started
getting questioned about why I don’t have a boyfriend and I couldn’t give an
answer. Everyone was wondering why I was dressing like it was winter when it
wasn’t, although I insisted I wasn't hiding anything beneath my clothes, and
they completely flipped when I dyed my hair darker. It got more and more
obvious that I was trying to look like the most enigmatic girl in school.
“Your hair is growing out,” she
says, startling me out of my reflection.
“I’m going to get it done soon.
Making the appointment takes more effort than I’ve put into anything lately. I
am so hungry,” I say, sitting up. Mason
and his friends are still in the living room, but I decide that I have just as
much of a right to exist as he does. I open my bedroom door. “You coming?”
Mason is sitting with his two
friends. One of them has short blonde hair - kind of cute. The other is ugly as
sin and has a hat on backwards. Mason catches me looking and narrows his eyes
as I feel myself shrinking back.
I turn my attention to the
cupboards. Erika is leaning against the counter, ignoring the glances from
Mason’s friends. I quickly grab a box of cookies and lead Erika back to my room
before anyone says anything to provoke her to pull the large pocket knife out
of her back pocket that I just noticed.
“Why do you carry that thing?” I
ask quietly once we're alone again.
“In case I have to stab someone,
and-or make a sandwich. Tends to be the latter but you never know."
I begin eating the cookies
mindlessly. They’re diet, but I don’t think it counts if you eat the entire
package. I always eat the entire package.
After almost an hour of Erika informing me in
detail of all the interesting ways to dispose of bodies, I put a chick-flick
into the DVD player and turn off the light. I get under the covers with Erika,
who finally agreed to put on one of my t-shirts rather than sleeping fully
dressed.
“What is this shit?”
“What time do you have to be home
tomorrow?” I ask, ignoring her question.
I quickly regret it. It's a question with no answer.
“It doesn’t matter, remember?” Erika’s grandmother died only a few weeks
ago. She's being allowed to stay in her apartment because of the sympathy of
the owner, until the lease runs out in November. Her grandmother was the only family she had
so she has to figure something out quick.
“I know, I know,” I say. “Sorry.” I
grab her hand under the cover. Even if she shows nothing at all, I like to
assume she’s upset like anyone else would be. If I was in her situation I don’t
know how long I would stay alive.
Erika fell asleep halfway through the movie
and is breathing slowly. I am still holding her hand so I remain very still as
I hear creaking outside the bedroom door. Mason,
I’m sure. I turn the TV on silent with the remote. I can hear the door
creek as he leans against it, probably trying to hear what I’m doing. My heart
speeds up as the handle begins to turn. I close my eyes, feeling the cold air
rush in as the door sits open. Go away,
go away, go away. Not now. Don’t wake up Erika or she may stab you.
I wait several long minutes with my eyes
squeezed shut, and Mason finally leaves. I sigh and open my eyes. The door is
shut and everything is okay. It’s better than okay, because Erika is here. Her phone lights up on the nightstand beside
me. I quietly pick it up and read the text message from Lewis. U awake? I think about telling him she’s
asleep. Then I think about the conversation we had earlier and I text him back.
Fuck off.
Miriam
